GGO VI – Daley Unleashes Losing Entry
CHUCK DALEY – Returns To Dubious Roots with Non-Meat Entry
* Anasazi “We’re All Human Beans” Burger To Debut at Great Grill Off VI
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- Flips proverbial bird to participants, attendees
- Reveals five point plan for eventual exclusion from future GGOs
- Totally grossed out by excessive talk of Pete’s sausage
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Virtually guaranteeing a last place finish and possible banishment from future competitions, Great Grill Off forefather and champion procrastinator, CHUCK DALEY, is pleased to announce his entry in this year’s prestigious GGO VI.
“I intend to pay homage to my grilling origins by cooking up some Anasazi ‘We’re All Human Beans’ Burgers,” Daley stated this afternoon while carefully choosing his outfit and seriously contemplating whether he should skip the competition altogether.
He continued, “My grilled Portabella mushroom entry from the first GGO netted my all-time best finish and may have ’sealed the deal’ in scoring with then-future wife and current part-time vegetarian Angela Vogel Daley.”
The Anasazi Bean – also known as the New Mexican Cave Bean or Jacob’s Cattle – is a hearty variety with a sweet, nutty flavor and mealy texture. And while the unique combination of the beans with sauteed vegetables and a bouquet of secret spices certainly won’t remind anyone of sinking their teeth into dead, bloated, char-grilled flesh, the Anasazi Bean Burger delivers a hefty, flavorful wallop that’s sure to satisfy even the most voracious carnivore.
It is also worthwhile to note that Anasazi Beans contain less than 25 percent of the carbohydrates that are the primary source of flatulence in most dry beans. In other words, it’s safe for the ladies.
In that respect, Daley freely admits that he’s counting on the chick vote, along with a growing number of meat-wary attendees – particularly those with warranted aversions to dishes with the words “flank,” “skirt” “cubanos,” “satay” or “Dodd” in the title. He’s also pretty sure that at least half the people will be totally creeped out within the first ten minutes of Pete continually alluding to his sausage.
Of course, the first-time father and owner of Beartrap PR recognizes that frying up some beans will likely ensure a dead-last finish and possible exile from future competitions, but also acknowledges that it’s imperative he continue his streak of doing something completely retarded at the Great Grill Off. However, Daley vows to avoid past transgressions, outlining a five-point plan to guarantee that only new, original missteps will cause this year’s inevitable collapse.
1. Show up at least one hour before competition time (this will never happen, fyi)
2. Under no circumstances should one purchase a new grill the day before said festivities
3. Buy enough food for everyone. Even people you don’t particularly care for
4. Crazy costumes and ridiculous get ups do not make a winner…but they sure as hell can’t hurt
5. Pimp out your ultra-adorable five-month old son and pretend he just told you that Pete tried to touch him with his sausage
All in all, Daley is cautiously optimistic about his entry, likening it to a mystical unicorn named Sparkles from the planet Awesomonia who just so happens to wield a giant trombone-shaped bazooka stuffed with magical rainbows and kitten purrs.
Yeah…it’s that good.
“At the very least, perhaps my delicious Bean Burgers can aid in the digestion of all that questionable meat which is sure to be lodged in people’s guts for days following the competition.”
The Great Grill Off VI will held at reining two-time champion and perennial suck-up Tony Mecia’s home this Saturday, September 20, 2008. Festivities begin at 5pm, grub starts at 6.
